‘I will never leave you’ was the words he used. But in the end, he did. He left me alone. He went out on that stupid mission and never came back. He left me alone. He said it was his last, and indeed it was.
They killed him. He went out on that stupid mission and got himself killed. That stupid mission. He said he would come back, that he would never leave me again. He lied. I can still remember it clearly. I still remember his voice. I still remember his back, as he was leaving. I still remember that feeling of loneliness as I waited for him to return. And I still remember that day. The day they came and told me. When they told me he was dead.
It’s been three years.
“I love you, Madelaine” Colin whispered to me, while hugging me tightly. He gave me a kiss. He turned around and walked out the door. I stood in the doorway, watching him as he walked further and further away from me. I didn’t close the door until the car had disappeared in the horizon.
I sat down in one of the chairs we had just bought. I sighted. “Well, this is boring. What I’m I supposed to do now?”
“I ended up just sitting in the chair for the rest of the day. I didn’t even get up to eat.”
I looked up at the psychiatrist.
“Why did you choose that chair?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
The psychiatrist looked at me over her glasses. “Why did you choose that particular chair?”
For a moment I didn’t say a thing. I looked down at my hands, then after a couple of seconds I looked at her, with tears running down my cheeks. “It was his…”
I woke up in the chair the morning after; I had fallen asleep there. I was about to yell out; what do you want for breakfast?
When I realized he wasn’t there. “You damn bastard. You said you would never leave again.” I whispered, while putting my head on the kitchen counter. Tears were pushing their way out. “No, I’m not going to cry over this. He will be back in no time.” But that didn’t help. Tears were running down my cheeks as I went back to the chair. I had lost the little appetite I had. I sat down in the chair and closed my eyes. I could still smell him on the chair’s pillows. I took a deep breath and imagined him holding me, telling me it was going to be ok. But I had a feeling, a weird feeling. I had the feeling that it wasn’t going to be all right. That somehow everything was going to be everything BUT all right.
“The days went by. I started loosing weight. I didn’t talk to anyone; I just stayed in that chair. I only got out of it to eat, use the bathroom and buy stuff I needed. But I barley even did that. I mostly just stayed in the chair, smelling him. But after a while the smell started to fade. So I got some of his shirts and started taking them with me to the chair. I know, pathetic, right? He was only going to be away for a month or so, but I had that stupid feeling. The feeling that I wasn’t going to see him again.”
I looked up at the psychiatrist again.
“The month flew by. But he didn’t return. Another month went by, still no word from him. Then, one day, THEY came. They told me he was dead.” My eyes started running again. “Then what?” the psychiatrist asked. “Then what did you do?”
I looked at her for a second. “I didn’t do anything…”
“Miss, we’re sorry” one of the men in black said. I couldn’t move. Dead? He was dead?
“No… that’s not possible… he said he would be back, that he wouldn’t ever leave me again.” I whispered.
“We’re really sorry, miss.”
I closed the door behind them as they were leaving. I just stood there, with my hand on the door. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t cry. I just stood there. Then reality hit me. Tears started running down my cheeks, and I fell to the floor. My feet wouldn’t hold me up anymore. And I just sat there, crying.
I sat there for hours.
“Then what happened?” She looked at me over her glasses again.
“I pulled myself together and got of the floor. I got some food in me and I went to bed.”
I looked at her.
“Just like that?” she asked.
“Just like that…” I whispered.
“So, how’s it going with that psychiatrist? The last five didn’t do you much good…” Debbie asked.
“Well, I got to talk. She didn’t say much. But I like her, she might actually help me.” I looked over at Debbie.
We were in the middle of the crosswalk when my phone suddenly rang. I stopped while searching my bag for the phone. “Typical, it always ends up in the bottom.”
Suddenly I heard Debbie call out my name. “Maddie! Look out!”
I looked up just in time to see the car.
I opened my eyes. I saw a purple and yellow blur standing over me, Debbie.
“Maddie, NO! Don’t do this to me, don’t do this to me.” Deb yelled. “Maddie! The ambulance is almost here; just hang on! MADDIE!”
I could hear the ambulance as my eyes closed. But I knew it was too late.
We had several fights in the past, Colin and me. He would always be the first to leave, but he would also be the first to forgive.
He would always come to me.
“I will never leave you” was the words he used, that last time. And he would never leave me again. This time, I was coming to him.