I ran my tongue over my dry lower lip, feeling the metallic taste of blood fill my mouth. My hands were shaking like a leaf in my pockets, although it wasn’t because it was cold outside. The mild scolding summer wind was dancing tango with my hair making it stick to my sweating forehead, nevertheless I was freezing to death inside. The coldness was eating on my insides like a carnivorous germ, yet filling my up to the brink with a weird melancholic feeling. Despite the painful coldness, my mind was engrossed with something entirely else.
“The money,” he snapped agitatedly.
My eyes shot up to his face, watching the vein on his forehead beat in heated anger. My lips formed an utterly giddy smile and I fished the money up from my pocket, handing them over to him. He gave me a short scowl, before counting the money, a crooked grimace taking over his facial features when he was done.
“Deal,” he grinned, handing the small plastic bag over to me.
Instinctively my hand shot out to grab it, and he snorted in laughter before turning away and prancing away as if he owned the place. Overzealous I looked into the plastic bag, giving out a short sigh filled with the calmness that was sweeping me off my feet. He hadn’t had the nerves to cheat me again, thanks to my other ‘friend’ having a talk with him earlier.
My mind didn’t drift a single second away from the bag in my pocket when I strolled home. My tongue was itching to scream out in ecstasy and my legs were begging for me to just get home as fast as possible. Just five hundred meters away from my home and I couldn’t help it anymore, I ran.
Everything blurred around me and I dodged a lady with her child easily. I felt alive! And soon I would feel even more alive than ever. Panting heavily I closed the front door behind me, kicking my shoes off. A malevolent face greeted me, my mother.
“Where have you been?” she spoke through her nose, an annoyed expression latched on her face.
“Out,” I growled and pushed past her.
Her eyes hardened and a surprisingly strong hand locked itself around my upper arm. An ominous scent oozed from her breath, alcohol again, it was clawing on my nostrils. I felt ostracized under her hostile, sharp blue eyes and flaring nose, and ducked my head to not upset her anymore. Even though not a word was uttered, I knew what her expression meant.
“I need to go,” I stammered and pulled my arm out of her grip, leaping up the stairs to my room.
Once inside I locked the door, my breathing hitched and tears were pressing behind my eyelids, waiting to pour out. I put my fist in my mouth to stop the scream I wanted so badly to let out. My body relaxed after a few minutes and my mind followed close after. Dragging myself over to my bed I fell down on it with a grunt.
“Stupid,” I whispered hoarsely and turned my back to the door, so I was facing the wall. “She is stupid, I hate her.”
My eyes set on the poem I had hung up when I was younger. Back then, it had been my only friend and companion in this forsaken life. Now I had something else to keep me company.
Since there is no escape.
There was an escape for me, however, was I brave enough to take it?
A lonely tear glided down my cheek and I wiped it off, feeling angry on myself all of sudden. The emotions fighting to take control of me were nothing but the bad ones. Even so, I groggily felt my eyes drop when I didn’t want to think anymore about them, or anything for that matter. The dark abyss welcomed me to its sleeping state.
Morning came with a painful twinge of bright sun in my eyes. Groaning loudly, I rolled away from the sun flowing into my room and buried my head into my soft pillow. A bolt of panic rushed through me when I remembered it was a school day. I hurriedly trudged around in my room, preparing myself for school. Cursing sometimes under my breath when I didn’t find those things I was looking for.
A nostalgic thought clouded my mind when I felt around in my pockets from yesterday, holding my breath I pulled out the plastic bag. Listlessly and with tense legs, I sank down on my bed. I forgot completely school and everything around me, everything besides the tempting plastic bag.
Giddy like a love struck teenager, I poured the contents of the bag into my clammy palm. Over ten bright coloured pills smiled up at me. My chest constricted as I stared intently down at the beautiful colours. For a split second my vision doubled as I picked up one of them, the yellow one. I knew the consequences and to me, they were nothing but pure bliss. My mother’s blatant voice hollering at me from downstairs made me gulp the pill down without hesitation. I clutched the bed, waiting for the pill to start its effects. Slowly, an euphoric feeling spread through me like fire in dry grass.
It was ubiquitous. The colours, the shapes, everything was so ludicrously beautiful I laughed out loud. Another wave of laughter washed over me and I let it out, it filled the room with its lively colours. The room seemed to go in slow motion as I peered at the different things in my room.
My heart was pounding in an excruciating speed and I snickered to myself when it echoed through my ears. Stumbling to my feet I skipped to my mirror, touching the fascinating reflection of myself. A blissful fog clouded my mind, over and over again until it felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. Tears exploded out of my itching eyes, and a knot of laughter got stuck in my throat.
Loud banging coming from the door made me look at it fast, my vision zooming in on it. Giving a mocking snort, I skipped into my bathroom connected to my room. Ignoring the banging. I was stumbling a little when my feet didn’t follow the rest of the body.
Once again, my eyes were drawn to the mirror, my reflection.
I was speechless as I gazed into my own eyes, the blue in the pupil mixing with the white around. A wave of nausea washed over me, drowning my ability to laugh anymore. The hand that had been holding the pills let them fall to the edge of the sink. Trembling, my pale fingers clutched the bathroom sink. My skin had taken on a morbid pale colour. The contrast was so grand between my greyish skin colour and my flaring surroundings.
I could feel one of the pills with the tip of my finger, and without blinking I picked it up. I put it to the edge of my tongue annoyingly slowly, my limbs wouldn’t move faster. Even though the annoyance was there, the omnipresent feeling of bliss overpowered it. This was it. This was it. I ranted inside of my head like a lunatic.
The banging from my room made me believe that my mother wanted to skin me alive when she got the door open. The poignant sentences from the poem took over my thoughts.
Life is my lover – I shall leave the dead.
If there is any way to baffle death.
Only I didn’t want to baffle death; I wanted to embrace it with love, because no one else had ever done that to me. Picking up the rest of the pills, I let them scour down my throat. Death had enamoured me and it was time to embrace it with love back. Now we could escape together.
The magazine: Perspectives Spring 2012 – 10th grade.
Perspectives on escape.
Since there is no escape written by Sara Teasdale.