I can still remember the time when I was young, much younger than today. It was the time when I was fourteen years old, and had a crush on a seventeen years old girl…
All this happened on a Wednesday, I remember. It was a hot summer evening. I was walking alone in the streets. Something bad had happened, something that made me feel sad and I was so depressed at that moment. The cars “flew” past me all the time, and I knew that I could kill myself whenever I wanted to by running out in the road. It was a crazy thought, but it made me calm down a little bit.
After walking for a few hours, I sat down in a playground. The only thing I did was to think. I was thinking of how meaningless my life was, and why I hadn’t killed myself.
After a while a girl came up the road. She looked at me and started to walk to the playground. I looked up, but I turned away after a few seconds. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her long, blond hair was blowing in the wind while she was walking. Her oceanblue T-shirt and her tight red pants were fantastic on her beautiful body. She looked like a pretty cartoon character. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, even though I just looked at her for a few seconds.
Then, a little, soft hand touched my shoulder. I turned around and looked her straight in her eyes.
“Hi,” she said with a terrific smile on her mouth. Her beautiful smile, her shining, white teeth and her fabulous green eyes forced me to look down for a while.
“Hi,” I replied. She sat down next to me.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. I didn’t answer, but I got up and started to walk away. I just couldn’t let her see how sad I was, but it looked like she already knew.
“Don’t go,” she said, and started to run after me. I stopped and waited for her. She caught up with me and took my hand.
“Please, don’t go.” I looked at her before I looked at her hand that I was holding. I sighed.
“You are depressed, aren’t you? “ she asked. I nodded.
“I know how you feel.” I looked up. She gave me the most shining smile I have ever seen. I tried to give her a smile back, but I couldn’t. Her smile slowly disappeared, but before it was gone, she gave me a warm, hot hug. Nobody had ever given me a hug like that before. She hugged me with all of her body. It was different from all the other hugs people have given me before. Something strange happened to me at that moment. I’d been sad all day, but this hug changed my mood. I became happy. A hot flame started to burn inside of me. My chest felt so warm. It felt like it could explode any time. I dropped her hand and took her around her waist. We stood like this for a very long time. None of us wanted to go away. I closed my eyes. I wanted to fall asleep in her soft and pretty arms.
“I have to go home now,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
I released her from my arms, before I gave her a new hug.
“Will you be here tomorrow?” she asked. I looked at her.
“I think so,” I answered.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I was sitting on my bed all the time, just thinking. Thinking of how stupid we had been. I had fallen in love with a girl I didn’t know. A pretty girl though, but I didn’t know her name, I didn’t know how old she was. The only thing I knew was that I loved her.
It wasn’t easy for me to concentrate at school the next day. I was thinking of her all the time. I just had to see her again, but I was thinking:
“Did I do the right thing?”
The teachers saw that something was wrong with me, and asked me time after time what it was, but I didn’t tell them. I didn’t tell anybody. It was my little secret.
After school I went to the same playground as the day before. I waited for her for a long time, but just to see her again was worth it. She had the same clothes, but she was prettier than ever. I went up to her and gave her a hug.
“I missed you,” I told her. She smiled at me.
“Let’s go to the playground,” she suggested. “ C’mon!”
We walked up and sat down at the sandbox. I don’t think that I have ever talked so much with a girl. We talked about everything. I found out what her name was, Caroline. The most beautiful name I had heard at that moment. Her name came up in my mind in time with my heartbeats:
“How old are you?” she asked.
“I’m fourteen,” I said. I wanted to ask what her age was, but I couldn’t. I had to be a gentleman.
“You aren’t serious, are you?” she didn’t believe me.
“It’s true,” I said. She stared at me before she looked down.
“Damned it!” she cried. I was confused. Did I say something stupid? I looked at her pretty face, and stroked her blond shining hair. She looked at me, and bit herself in her lower-lip. I could see how sad she was. She sighed.
“I don’t think…that I can love you anymore,” she said.
I was both sad and disappointed, but also confused. I wanted to ask her why, but she told me before me question came out of my mouth.
I’m seventeen,” she said. I wanted to cry when I heard these words. I wanted to just sit there and waste away. She saw how sad I was. After looking at me for a long time, she stroked my cheek, turned my face to her before she kissed me, so tender and so soft, that you hardly can imagine it. When we were done, she started to walk away, crying. I couldn’t follow her. I was paralysed by her kiss, and her wounding words.
After that day, I have been sitting depressed at the same playground many, many times, but she has never walked up to me again...